Sunday, 11 December 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged - w/c 5th December 2016

The headlines are true, some of the facts may very well not be!

George Lucas has had a preview screening of next weeks big release Rogue One: A Star Wars Story. Apparently George liked it a lot. He was rather taken aback by the full bodied story, good acting, well rounded characters and decent dialogue. "I didn't know you could do that" he was thought to be heard mumbling before he was seen running from the screening straight into an editing suite yelling "Do over!" and starting to furiously re-edit Star Wars Episodes 1 - 3 again.

In further Rogue One news. Positive reactions abound as press members were treated to a viewing of 28 minutes of footage from the movie. The footage showed that the movie will be grittier and seems to contain some relentless action scenes whilst new droid K-2S0 steals the show. The journalists lucky enough to be invited to the screening took straight to twitter, here are some of their views:-

@moviesquirt - "Amazed that the rebels are shown to have stolen the wrong blue prints and manage to take down the planetary defenses of Alderaan"

@projectthis - "Aunt Beru is one hot momma! #poledancingscene

@starwarsbores - "No opening crawl! How are we supposed to know what has happened previously!"

@Framemyparts - "Awesome - the Death Star plans have a Starbucks, Footlocker, a Walmart  and feature plenty of disabled parking"

The box office take for Doctor Strange has surpassed that of Iron Man to make Marvel Studios latest entry the most successful solo character outing in their canon. Tony Stark insists that the Doc cheated by counting the box office dollars from theaters in other dimensions as well as our own. 

The Universal Studios Monsters Extended Universe is soon to get underway with The Mummy being released from it's tomb next year. This week saw the release of the trailer for the Tom Cruise action/horror epic. Originally, the universe was to be kicked off with Dracula Untold in 2014. Universal announced this week that this is no longer the case, probably due to that film only having modest success at the box office. If The Mummy does not strike box office gold then Universal have prepared a further statement that it is also no longer the start of the Monsters franchise and that next movie in line, the as yet untitled Invisible Man movie, will be the official start of the universe. If Invisible Man bombs out then a further statement will be made that The Wolfman is the official start of the timeline, and so on until someone gets it right. 

Moana is still cleaning up at the box office. If you are one of those movie maniacs that like to look for Easter eggs in your Disney movies you can find characters from Frozen, Wreck It Ralph, Aladdin and others in the background of certain scenes in the beach based adventure. If you look hard enough you can also see cleverly hidden pictures of Mickey Mouse, Darth Vader and Iron Man beating the living snot out of the Ninja Turtles, Superman and Batman whilst throwing spare box office dollars at them as they lie buckled, bruised and crying in the sand. You have to look really hard for that one.

Armie Hammer has been teasing fans with tweets suggesting that he has been signed up for a new major role. Internet buzz suggests he could now be involved in the DCEU Green Lantern Corps movie, which rings true as the former Lone Ranger is well known for getting involved in long running, majorly successful franchises.*

Spider-man: Homecoming had a trailer released this week and already it is looking like the movie really should be sub-titled Home Run! Following up on his cameo in Captain America: Civil War, Tom Holland looks like he has got the title role nailed. We also get brief glimpses of The Vulture and Shocker as the movie villans, looking all futuristic and naughty like. We at unclogged feel that this film is likely to be the greatest Marvel release yet, which is quite a statement as everything they ever do is amazing and a perfect work of art. Little can be told about Homecoming as yet but, just from this trailer alone we can tell that every single frame will be worthy of an Oscar. I am sure the internet will crash a million times over with entire population of earth trying to pre-book tickets for multiple screenings. We say this and we haven't actually seen the movie, but maybe some kind and generous and handsome and/or beautiful employee at Marvel Studios would be gracious enough to send us tickets and merchandise so we can write so much more butt lickery like the above about this shining achievement in motion picture production. Blog Paper: Unclogged - bringing you unbiased bribery based journalism at it's very best.

Fan favorite actor Michael Rooker shared a picture of the new look for his, Guardians of the Galaxy Volume 2, character Yondu on social media this week. His metal, arrow controlling head nubbin is now a full on fin. The internet is a quiver with movie nuts trying to guess what the fin will be used for. Most likely assumptions are that it is an Ariel for satellite television, for scaring small children whilst swimming at the beach or it's a butter knife. Another popular theory is that Yondu actually has a swiss army head with many different appendages for uses as diverse as being a cork screw to one for getting stones out of a horses hoof.

And finally...

The Rock this week has been very upset at the news that he has gone through another week without an announcement for a future project for him to add to his current rosta of 757 up coming movies. The word is that on the set of Jumanji 2, in a sudden bout of rage, the mightily muscled one grabbed co-star Kevin Hart and accidentally snapped him in two

*You know this is sarcasm right? It's really hard to write a gag like this without putting everything in italics and thus treading on the subtlety that I am aiming for. Of course you got it though because you are an intelligent well read individual. I can tell just by looking at you...have you done something new with your hair by the way? You look fabulous!**

** This too should be in italics

Wednesday, 23 November 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! w/c 21st Nov 2016

The headlines are true, some of the details may well not be!

Mission Impossible 6 had it's release date set by Paramount this week. The new movie, again to star Tom Cruise, will be heading to the big screen on July 17th 2018. Cruise has already said that the film promises more incredible set pieces and what he thinks will be a very entertaining and compelling story. In an attempt to add some gritty realism, this time around Ethan Hunt and his team will go up against a billionaire despot who attempts to destroy the world by making the population run themselves through with sharp sticks rather than listen to his inane drivel and look at his stupid hair doo.

The follow up to this weeks biggest release Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them is two years away from the big screen but it is already known that the action will take place in Paris, France. J.K. Rowling has stated on Twitter that another rumor that is doing rounds is untrue. Apparently, many fans have been lead to believe that the story takes place only two days after the events of the first film, J.K. tells us this is not the case. The Potterverse followers are now throwing their Bertie Botts Beans about in anticipation of confirmation of this intricate detail that may be the make or break of the film being worth seeing or not. One anonymous fan took to social media yesterday to say "Never mind the plot, characters or interesting special effects - we need to know if the story takes place on a Thursday!" In further Harry Potter developments Unclogged can exclusively reveal that we now know that J.K. does not stand for "Jiggly Knockers"

Paramount also announced "Downsizing" date this week. This turns out to be a new comedy to star Matt Damon and has nothing to do with redundancies being made due to the poor box office take on a lot of the studio's tent pole releases this year. The movie will be out December 22nd 2017 in case you fancied spending two hours of precious last minute Christmas shopping time in the cinema next year.

Lionsgate have hired writing duo Neil Widener and Gavin James to write Now You See Me 3. The pair have also been tasked with penning the screenplay for San Andreas 2. They have now earned a reputation as the team to go to for unlikely sequels. Next up on their to do list is Ishtar 2: Camels Ho! and Howard the Duck: Wings of Fury.

Micheal Keaton is confirmed to be playing avian based baddie The Vulture in Marvel Studios Spider-man: Homecoming. This could be the second part of the "Tweety Bird Trilogy" Keaton has been working on for some years. Following previous entry Birdman, the set could be concluded in him being cast in the reboot of The Crow. Most likely is a role in The Birds 2: Even More Birds or Howard the Duck 3: What the Quack!

The movie version of popular video game series Uncharted is finally expected to start filming next summer after being stuck in development hell for what seems forever. According to director Shaun Levy, the treasure seeking tale will not be another Indiana Jones or National Treasure, it will be an entirely different unique entity. This can only mean that the story line will be based on U.K's top 80's television game show sensation Treasure Hunt. Expect negotiations to start with the shows star Anneka Rice and her bottom very soon. (Trust me, the rest of the world and British citizens under 30,  that gag was very funny.)

First Olympus fell over and then London now Angel. Angel Has Fallen is the next in the series of action epics starring Gerard Butler, Angel being a reference to Air Force One, the plane that Harrison Ford had a spot of bother with a few years back. It seems that co-star Aaron Ekhart will not be along for the ride in his roll as the President of the United States. The story will now revolve around, bodyguard supreme,  Mike Banning being tasked with protecting President Trump. Mike decides it's really not worth his effort and Trump gets blown to smithereens by terrorists. A fourth in the series Jenga has Fallen is also in development.

New Disney animation Moana has had to have a title change in Italy due to it's similarity to the name of infamous Italian adult movie star Moana Pozzi. After forming a writers room to come up with a safer title for Italian theaters Disney toyed with changing the name to Groaner or Screamer before settling on Oceana. Look out for sequels to include  Deep Oceana and Oceana is Wet very soon.

Ellen Page is in Ireland working on new zombie movie "The Third Wave" at the moment. The movie has managed to come in under budget by filming locals leaving the pub instead of hiring actors to play zombies.

In a sudden flash of inspiration Hollywood have decided that what the world needs is another version of the Robin Hood story to be told. The movie will star Taron Egerton and Jamie Foxx and is produced by Leonardo DeCaprio. Apparently, the story is going to be told as it has never been told before. King John is to be a time travelling cyborg from the planet Kruud. Robin is given super powers from the mystical elves of the forest before having to use them to bring down the King and his hoard of evil, trained  Ninja Spider Monkeys. A final showdown will take place in the King's underwater lair.

You may remember, a few paragraphs back we mentioned new Disney treat Moana, which features the voice of muscle mountain Dwayne Johnson. When the movie is released there are only another 757 projects Dwayne has left on his up coming slate, but nothing new has been released for over three weeks. The drought of movie announcements for The Rock seems nowhere near an end. Rumors abound that if the problem is not seen to shortly it will be announced that Dwayne will be starring in a movie based on a weak running joke from an obscure movie blog site very soon.

Come back next week for more movie news that has been tinkered with a smidge.

Friday, 4 November 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! - Movie News w/c October 31st 2016

Welcome to Blog Paper: Unclogged! All the movie news you can use!

The headlines are real, some of the details may well not be.

Star Wars fans were excited this week when a description of Luke Skywalker's costume for Episode VIII made it online. Details simply suggest he will be wearing dark colours in training scenes of the movie not the slinky off the shoulder number with matching accessories some where hoping for.

Sherlock 3 is finally in development with Robert Downey Jr and Jude Law to reprise their roles from the hit franchise directed by Guy Ritchie. The movie has created a writer's room to bash the story and script into shape. It is expected that the plot will involve Holmes and Watson falling out and parting ways only to build separate crime fighting teams of ace detectives. Casting for Charlie Chan and Miss Marple has yet to be confirmed.

Kate Beckinsale, soon to be seen in Underworld: Blood Wars, was interviewed on "Late Night with Seth Meyers" this week where she admitted to enjoying arranging fruit into amusing phallic positions and doodling penises, thousands of male viewers complained as hey thought she had said "Diddling"

This Halloween the stars were dressing up for all the swankiest horror based parties. Taylor Swift wins the prize for best costume as she got to borrow a genuine Deadpool outfit from friend Ryan Reynolds. Apparently it was a bit of a tight fit, it took a lot of baby powder and three friends to help shake it off.

In a comic book you never heard of being developed into a movie news, Image "Huge in the early 90's" Comics "Enormous" is to be turned into a possible franchise. The book, which features giant monsters running riot in the city, will be transformed into a movie with possible virtual reality elements. Watching the movie with V.R. technology will giver the viewer the impression they are looking up at a giant, slobbering, gnashing maniac that wants to eat you alive - an experience not dissimilar to watching footage of the Trump campaign trail.

In more technical news. James Cameron has announced that he hopes to bring 3D technology forward with his up coming four Avatar sequels by developing a system that will not require glasses. The new movies are to be sponsored by Anadin and Nurofen.

It seems that unlikely sequel Escape Plan 2 has been given the green light with Sylvester Stallone attached to make a supporting appearance. It has not been confirmed if Arnold Schwarzenegger is involved this time around. The story will revolve around Sly having to escape from a maximum security rest home before wardens come to give him his bedtime coco.

Girl on the Train writer Erin Cressida is in talks to write the planned live action version of Disney's Snow White. Possible title could be Girl in the Forrest. This follows the trend for live action remakes of The Little Mermaid (Girl n the Water), Beauty and the Beast (Girl and the Hairy Fella) and Mulan (Girl that Pretends to be a Boy but is Actually a Girl). Also in development is the story of Rose Red, sister of Snow White, who after finding out that Snow has fallen under the wicked witches spell, sets off with the seven dwarfs to save her sister. If this is to be an action movie controversy will ensue as the dwarfs carry out their mission of rampant, blood soaked revenge. In keeping with the change of tone the seven dwarves will change their names to Mad Dog, Frenzy, Rampage, The Douche, Muscles, Buzzsaw and Doris.

No news on casting for the role of Snow White but maybe the Disney big wigs could throw the role towards poor Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson who is in the midst of the second week of a project announcement drought. Desperate measures maybe taken and if no announcements are made soon we will be hearing about The Tooth Fairy 3 and Snitch 2: Still Snitchin' just to keep Dwayne ticking over.

Tune in next week for more slightly tweeked movie news with Blog Paper: Unclogged!

Wednesday, 26 October 2016

Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged! - w/c 24th Oct 2016

Welcome to Movie News: Unclogged! Your guide to the weeks best headlines in Hollywood. The news is true, some of the details are not.

Fantastic Beasts and Where to Find Them won't be in cinemas until 18th November, but it has already been announced that J.K. Rowling will be working a further five movies in the series. The fifth of these films will be split into two parts, 5a and 5b with 5b being turned into a further two movies 5b.1 and 5b.2. This pattern will carry on until all the money in the world has been hoovered up into the Potter World coffers or the end of the world arrives, which ever comes first. Possible titles for the movies are Fantastic Beasts and How to Fondle Them, Fantastic Beasts and Exploitation of Wallets and Fantastic Beasts Vs Superman.

There are worries that Hollywood is in turmoil as no new movies to star Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson have been announced this week. Johnson, who is currently filming the sequel to family classic Jumanji, has an estimated 727 projects in development all for release next year. It is expected that, with the sudden three days down time in his schedule Dwayne will be able to use the bonus day it allows him to develop new muscles previously unknown to the human species.

The Smithsonian kick started a kickstarter campaign to help raise money to carry out preservation work on Dorothy's iconic ruby slippers as worn by Judy Garland in The Wizard of Oz. They hoping to raise $300,000 help conserve the shoes that have lost some of their sparkle over the last 80 years. It is believed that most of the money required will be raised by donations from Bay Area drag artists alone. There is, however, no plan to use an excess donations to help preserve Steven Segal's chef hat from Under Siege.

Awesome actor J.K. Simmons noted, in an interview with Entertainment Weekly, that he is very excited to be working on the next Batman movie with Ben Affleck. His take on beloved D.C. character Commissioner James Gordon will first be seen in Zac Snyder's Justice League movie next year. It is believed he will have a greater role to play in Affleck's "The Batman" currently in pre-production. Simmons says that his iteration of Gordon will be "more bad ass." Possibilities of a Suicide Squad make over with "To Protect and Serve" tattooed on his forehead have yet to be verified.

Boo! A Madea Halloween beat Jack Reacher; Never Go Back into submission at the U.S. box office with a $27.6 million take this weekend. Boo! Written, directed, produced, catered by and starring Tyler Perry is part of a long running series of movies featuring the outspoken matriarch that is largely unknown in other territories like  the U.K. Studio executives intend to address this problem by creating a Madea extended universe in the Marvel style. Expect Madea Vs. Big Momma to hit the screens in 2018.

Deadpool 2 has hit the headlines this week with the unfortunate news that the project has lost it's director Tim Miller who has left the sequel to his smash hit over creative differences. The news still hot off the presses has already spurred fans of the merc with a mouth to start a petition to have the directors chair filled with the prestigious butt of Quentin Tarantino. The Blog Paper office finds this prospect very exciting but we would like to propose an alternative of Terry Hughes, veteran director of The Golden Girls as a Wade Wilson Vs Blanche spin off just sounds too good to miss. 

In other Deadpool 2 news four actresses are being considered for the role of Domino. They are looking for an actress who is not a push over and can be counted on.

Tune in next week for more of Blog Paper's Movie News: Unclogged!

Monday, 17 October 2016

Welcome one and welcome all to Blog Paper! Admission is free and no two drink minimum!

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are thinking "How on earth have I wondered into this god forsaken corner of the internet when I was clearly trying to find videos of doggies playing the Ukulele" Well I tell you how my friend, it is either Karma or Kismet. Let's go with the later because Karma would suggest you did something really rather naughty, possibly involving a frog, some cellophane and one of those little whisk things you get with gift sets of hot chocolate and marshmallows in a mug. You sir and/or madame do not look like a naughty person - you look like the dependable type, strong of character of whom their souffles never droop and always wash their undies with the right soap.

No, your being here is Kismet, it is meant to be, tis written in the skies. The stars have aligned into a formation that could only happen once in a lifetime, one that if looked at correctly would probably look like a dirty big arrow pointing at a laptop - or maybe some boobs, one or the other. You are supposed to be here at BLOG PAPER! The best little web site you never heard of.

Let me show you around.

Right here is Blog Paper Central. Over the coming weeks we are going to cover all sorts of pop culture topics. We will cover all the usual news and reviews for all that is current and trendy for all your blockbusters, t.v. seasons and musical tastes and anything and everything that relates to them..and quite at lot that doesn't. However, we will also be covering a lot of stuff that you haven't heard from for a very long time if at all. Everyone and their ukulele playing labradoodle will have a blog to tell you what they think about the latest superhero cinematic effort or how Walking Dead would be so much better if you swapped out the zombies for French, C.I.A. trained, Ninja Mimes. We want to bring your attention to the stuff that you might have flown under your radar because it didn't have much exposure or was deemed a bit rubbish on release but over time has actually blossomed into what could have been a genuine classic. We will cover everything from Abbott and Costello to Zelig. Don't know who or what they are? Exactly the point, stick around and find out!

There is a wealth of entertainment around the globe that just plain doesn't get released world wide and whole countries are missing out on. Which brings me to our sister site "Blog Paper's Corner Gas Corner". Down below is a little picture link, have a click on it and discover Canada's finest sit-com. This is a show that we found by accident, just like your good self and Blog Paper. Hopefully we will introduce you to what will become one of your new found favourite shows, so in return, we would like you to tell us about yours.

Do you have a favourite show, movie, book, band or mime that you think have been unjustly over looked or are just not getting the exposure that they deserve? Maybe, there is a movie that most consider truly woeful but you hold dear to your heart. Well tell us about it, we will look into and give them the write up they deserve. There is a link below for the Blog Paper e-mail, send us a message telling us about something you want to see on here in the weeks to come and we will do our best to sort it out.

We also have another site linked below, Blog Paper's Quick Wipes. Here you will find all sorts of goofy stuff to lighten your week. One liner's, poems and skits to make you giggle, guffaw and groan. Quick Wipes will also contain features about our Comedy Heroes for more feathers to tickle the posterior of your mirth.

In between all the geeky stuff, when the mood take us, we will cover all sorts of earth shattering current affairs and topics of a topical nature. For example soon we will look at the genetic fiddlisation that is the horse shaped cow.

Horse shaped cow milk now available from your preferred retailer

So like us, follow us, mail us. We have Twitter, Facebook and all that other clever stuff. Join in, get involved. Stick around - we got all the doggies playing ukulele you can shake a stick at - but don't shake a stick at them because they will stop playing the uke and chase the stick instead.